Comedy star wants to bring peace to us and our pets

Steve N Allen
Steve N Allen

As any pet owner will know, this is a hard time of year, writes Steve N Allen.

Our little furry friends don’t understand why we set off fireworks.

To be fair, most people you’d stop in the street wouldn’t know why we do it either.

Celebrating a failed gunpowder plot by blowing up things with gunpowder is rubbing it in.

That’s like celebrating an attempted bank robbery by throwing some money away.

A parliamentary committee found that fireworks should be considered as antisocial as drink-driving.

And it does get annoying.

While we used to have one day of banging these days the firework season starts early and lasts for weeks.

You may have noticed in October, you’re driving in the dark and suddenly see a flash go off in your rear-view mirror and you think, ‘oh no, speed camera?’

I think technology could help.

We don’t want to stop everyone having fun but we don’t need the sound upsetting cats and dogs.

Let’s invent the silent firework.

We’d still get to look at the display but our pets would be safe.

While we are at it we could invent the silent mobile phone that can’t play music out loud when it’s on public transport.

We have clocks and GPS so we could invent car horns that know it’s after 11.30pm in a built-up area and therefore won’t make a sound.

We could invent a burglar alarm that knows the weather forecast so it could tell the difference between gusting and a burglar pushing at the windows on and off for hours.

Life has been getting noisier over the last few decades but now technology could be used to make things peaceful once again.

I, for one, would celebrate.

With champagne.

And a muffler.

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Steve N Allen is a comedian and broadcaster who was raised in Sutton-in-Ashfield and currently stars in the The Mash Report on BBC2. Follow him on Twitter at @mrstevenallen.